Courtney’s First Pregnancy and the Baby’s Death

Link to the introductory warning and the cast of characters
the six siblings in a picture on a playground. no one looks happy.
L-R: Murph*, Joseph*, Ezra*, Courtney*, Karen*, Stefanie* ~1994

No College for Courtney and Joseph

Courtney and I both moved out as soon as we turned 18 years old. Mother and Father put the other kids through school. Courtney and I are the only two of the six that do not have college degrees. We needed to escape the hell of our parent’s home. The two other girls, Stefanie* and Karen*, both have master’s degrees. The two other boys, Murph* and Ezra*, both have bachelor’s degrees.

a picture of Courtney's tattoo showing her dead daughter's name with a butterfly added to the "y" of bailey.
Courtney had Baily’s name tattooed over her heart. The artist added a tiny butterfly to the top of the y.

Unwed Courtney Announces Pregnancy to LDS Mormon Family: Driveway #1

Courtney was living in a city about an hour away in 1997. Courtney moved out as soon as she turned 18. After her college boyfriend broke up with her, Courtney found a good young man. He was my age. Just a little younger than Courtney.

Courtney became pregnant when she was ~21. She and the young man had been living together for some time. He was a good provider, and Courtney was making money as well. They decided to have the baby. Courtney was going to tell our parents that their first grandchild was on the way. Mother now has seven grandchildren but only two of them have contact with their grandmother.

Sidebar: Stefanie*, our oldest sister, got married in the LDS Temple ~1996. She had been trying to get pregnant since the temple sealing. Something was wrong.

Courtney had blackmailed Mother for a Canon A-1 SLR camera in high school. Courtney saw Joan Jett in the early 1990’s. Courtney attended that concert with an LDS Photographer. Courtney wanted to be a photographer. So she made Mother buy a very nice camera. Mother justified this publicly by saying “It was Mother and Courtney’s camera”. Mother was good enough to own a Canon A-1, but not any of her terrible children. Mother used to tell me that certain foods “were not to be wasted on me”. I was a skinny little kid until I turned 26.

Our LDS Mormon family did not buy nice things like that. My mother was dangerously frugal. The camera was a huge expense to Mother. She loves to gossip and try to twist truths to make others the “enemy”. I believe that Mother told Stefanie about the blackmail for the camera. Mother would have needed to blame the issue on Courtney, even to her other daughter.

Courtney told Mother, Stefanie and the family at one of the regular birthday dinners. The whole family was at the house in Springfield*. We had regular family dinners for the eight birthdays and typical holidays. Courtney shared the news that she was pregnant with the first grandchild.

Stefanie* could not hold back her sadness. Instead of being happy for Courtney, Stefanie was angry. I didn’t understand why Stefanie* was so mad, but it now makes sense. Courtney had been blackmailing Mother about the rapes since 1985. By this time, Courtney & Stefanie had lied to Child Protective Services at least twice.

Courtney grabbed her keys and went out the door. My spouse and I left with her. Stefanie, and Mother followed us outside. Father stayed in the house. As usual, He did not want to be involved. Father never got involved in the family inner-workings. He just brought the paycheck home to Mother.

Stefanie was screaming at Courtney in the driveway of the family house in Springfield. Mother was standing at the top of the driveway with Stefanie. Mother did not say anything. She had that evil grin on her face while Stefanie yelled “it’s not fair! Courtney got a camera! Courtney gets everything! Now she gets a baby!” Stefanie yelled at Courtney for some time.

I was frozen like a deer in headlights. I went fawn.

an artist's depiction of the announcement of Courtney's first child. it is a photo of the actual house in Springfield where the driveway scene happened. The driveway is concrete now, it was blacktop when we lived there.
an artist’s depiction of the announcement of Courtney’s first child. the actual house in Springfield where the driveway scene happened.

My spouse jumped in and defended Courtney. She stepped between Stefanie and Courtney. My spouse told Stefanie that it was not kind for her to attack Courtney for being pregnant and this should be a celebration.

Mother never said a word that I can recall. She just stood at the top of the driveway watching her daughters fight over who got pregnant first. She had a look on her face of evil satisfaction. Courtney was getting her payback for all the blackmail.

Mother had made Stefanie* to do her dirty work again. Courtney had always threatened to tell about the Child Sex Abuse. Mother’s face could not hide the sick joy she was getting out of watching Courtney suffer. This is the closest picture I can find that looks like that evil smile:

Mother's photo in 1967. Mother does not have a natural smile. Most of her smiles look like a hungry cat would smile at a plump mouse
Mother in 1967: like a hungry cat would smile at a mouse

When Courtney’s first child died.

Courtney and I never talked about the rapes. I now realize that she tried to approach the subject with me on two occasions before her untimely death. After speaking with the father of Courtney’s first daughter, I know that Courtney tried to talk with me about the rapes in 1998. That is the year that her first child died. RIP Bailey ❤

screenshot of an email from Bailey's dad to author Joseph in 2022. The email confirms Courtney was not going to allow Mother and Father to see baby Bailey once she was born. The email reads:
screenshot of an email from Bailey’s dad to author Joseph* in 2022. The email confirms Courtney was not going to allow Mother and Father to see baby Bailey once she was born.

Bailey died during childbirth. I think I remember that her umbilical cord was around her neck. Bailey lived for a few minutes.

Courtney was in a bad place after Bailey died. In short, she moved out of our shared apartment. She moved in with her current drug dealer. Oddly enough, they lived on the same street as me and Courtney’s now ex-boyfriend.

I wrote a song about Courtney. I asked her to come over and listen to me play it for her. She listened. She said “it was good” in a way that a sibling is too nice to say “you can’t sing”. But I think that the words of the song are true. It had a basic 90’s alt-rock ballad feel to it. I did not know what the words were really about until 2020.

After I played the song for her, Courtney asked me “Joseph*, do you think we had good parents?” I said what my living siblings say today: “I think they did the best with what they had”.

I was still under Mother’s spell. Mother had made me think that the CSA was my fault and I was to blame for all of her problems. Mother would constantly remind me about my time in the psych ward, the multiple arrests at our house, the time I spent in juvenile hall. Mother was always telling me how bad I was and how lucky I was to have her.

Courtney did not approach the topic with me again. She may have been getting there again in 2004, but she died. I think that being a parent is what opened her eyes to how awful our parents were. Having children is what made me realize my parents were criminals.

Bailey's grave stone. "our beloved daughter. 1998"
Bailey’s grave stone. “our beloved daughter. 1998”

Continue reading: Courtney’s Second Pregnancy and her Death

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