Link to the introductory warning and the cast of characters
she had just delivered her second child. she looks so happy and fulfilled and maybe a bit medicated
Courtney* and I had a special kind of sibling relationship. At the foundation was childhood trauma. If I reframe that, like my therapist has taught me, our foundation was love and care for each other while trying to survive in an abusive environment.
After Courtney’s first child died, Courtney was lost for a while. At one point, I lived with Courtney and her first child’s daddy. A sterling example of Courtney and I helping each other survive. Sharing a roof and living expenses.
Courtney turned to alcohol and illicit substances to soothe her pain. The PTSD-fueled fallout led to her moving out of our shared apartment. She moved in with who may have been her dealer at the time. Oddly enough, they lived on the same street as me and Courtney’s now ex-boyfriend. 😟
Thank science that Courtney didn’t go far from me. I walked down to check on her every day. She wouldn’t let me in, but she would step out and smoke a cigarette with me. I still leave a caramel macchiato and pack of Marlboro Lights on her grave when I visit.
Courtney tries to get her life together and the World’s Worst Car Deal Ever
I had been working at a company for about 2 years when Courtney started recovery. She needed a new set of work friends. I helped her get an interview, Courtney got the job all by herself. She was so freaking sweet and kind. I know those are generic words, but it is hard to describe a loving human kindness like Courtney’s. My sister and I worked together for the last 5 years of her life, starting in 1999.
Part of getting her life together was getting reliable transportation to and from work. Courtney needed a car. She wanted a Mitsubishi Eclipse. She loved driving fast. Mother is a Consumer Reports reader. The 1994 Eclipse was not the most, um, reliable car. Our parents said “no” to helping her get the 1994 Eclipse.
Instead of the Eclipse, somehow, someway, Courtney got Mother to buy her a brand new Honda Civic. This was completely out-of-character for Mother. Mother sent me to school in shoes with holes in the soles for my entire life. I shit you not, I bought my own Shoe Goo to keep my socks dry. What privileged Christian doctor’s kid has to do that?
Courtney showed up with that brand-new Civic. I asked to drive it. She let me, but she told me to be very careful with it. She was trading it in and Mother did not know. The sales person told Courtney to get a Civic because it’s trade-in value would be so high, even with a few miles on it.
Courtney took that reliable, economical, gas-sipping, safe, brand-new Honda Civic and made the world’s best car deal ever, ever according to the sales person. I can’t help but laugh remembering Courtney laughing about the world’s worst car deal. By the way, that Eclipse made Courtney so happy. It was a chariot of fire and she was at the wheel, smoking, blasting music and changing lanes like a maniac. I miss that chick.
Driveway Number Two with Stefanie (2003)
By this time, Mother and Father had moved to a new house in the same city as the Church where the CSA was hidden. The same city where I was hidden from Child Protective Services (CPS) in 1994. They had a big, expensive new house but no grandchildren to fill it with. By this time, Stefanie had given up on natural childbirth after trying many treatments. That is super sad.
Since Stefanie is an LDS Mormon believer, this is clearly god, jesus and the holy ghost punishing Stefanie for all the lies to CPS. God is not going to watch you lie about your little brother getting his ass beat and then let you have your own kids. That makes biblical sense, don’t it? 🤷♀️
For the Son of man shall come in the glory of his Father with his angels; and then he shall reward every man according to his works.
Matthew Chapter 16:27 Jesus foretells His death and resurrection.
Courtney was now married and through the miracle of Mormon fertility quilts she became pregnant (again). Courtney was very nervous to share this news with Mother, Stefanie and the family after what happened in 1998. She was right.
When Courtney shared the news with our parents, we were at a “standard-family-birthday-gathering”. The family reacted the exact same way as when Bailey’s birth was announced. Stefanie yelling at Courtney even though Courtney was married this times. (Stefanie, tell the truth. You obviously cannot live with yourself. Get help and enjoy your kids teenage years. You are not healthy.)
The entire fight in the driveway replayed. Stefanie screaming at Courtney for getting pregnant before her. Stefanie said similar things, this this time she yelled: “Courtney* got a CAR and now SHE GETS THIS!?!” This = pregnant. It was so dehumanizing for Courtney. Again.
I didn’t understand Stefanie’s comment about the car thing at the time. It’s obvious now.
My spouse came to Courtney’s rescue again. This repetition of such an ugly family fight showed that it was never about Courtney having a baby out of wedlock – it was Mother and Stefanie’s jealousy that Courtney was fertile. It was Stefanie’s jealousy that Courtney could wrangle large amounts of cash from Mother.
Courtney would die less than a year after this argument.
Mother and Stefanie did not attend Courtney’s* baby shower that my spouse and I threw for Courtney.
the 50 people that were there knew that Mother and Stefanie chose not to come, Courtney told them
If you were a mother and your adult daughter told you that she was pregnant, how would you react? Would you have a public fight about how awful she was to get pregnant before her older sister? again?
Courtney’s baby, the first living grandchild
Courtney’s second child was born healthy and beautiful. Courtney was relieved when her baby survived childbirth. I loved those days in the hospital with her. They were some of my best days, hanging with Courtney, my spouse and Courtney’s baby.
Courtney’s last birthday and her Death
Courtney’s* death was unexpected. She gave birth to a child in January of 2004. At the time, my spouse and I were living 2 miles from Mother and Father. Courtney lived about 4 miles from them. Stefanie and her spouse lived in the same apartment complex as Courtney. We were not close-knit family, but we all lived very close to each other.
That spring, Courtney was not feeling well. Her pain grew to be unbearable, and she went to the hospital in April 2004. Getting her to the hospital is a whole chapter that will be written later.
I went and saw her each day she was in the hospital. She was never awake when I saw her. She was warm, she was resting, she was unconscious. She was not responsive.
The last day I went to see her, Courtney was not stirring at all. I saw her in the late afternoon. As I was leaving Courtney’s hospital room, Mother was walking in. We spoke briefly about Courtney’s baby and how we were all helping baby’s daddy while Courtney was in the hospital.
The next morning, my house phone rang at 4am.
Father’s voice was stern and cold. “Joseph, Courtney’s dead. Come to the hospital.”
That was it. That was how he told me. Mother knew that Father was calling Courtney’s CSA co-victim to share this awful news. Mother made him do it. Always steps removed from the dirty work. Like when Mother made Courtney stop the rapes in 1984.
My spouse and I raced to the hospital. Courtney was dead. My spouse was immediately asked to go to my parents house to watch children Karen* and Ezra*. Was Mother afraid of what I would say to Courtney’s dead body? They should have asked their Bishop to provide help. But no, Mother had to keep everything under her control.
Courtney’s dead body was in a room. Stefanie*, Murph*, Father and Mother were all already there. I was the last one to enter the room.
I sat next to Courtney in the open seat on her right side. I took her hand. I screamed “I couldn’t save her! I couldn’t save her! I couldn’t save her!”.
I continued to howl and sob and cry so much that the nurses joined in the crying and quickly left the room. If they had know the whole truth… they watched a child rape victim learn that his co-victim was dead.
I do not know if an autopsy was performed. I do not believe so. Mother states that the hospital made a mistake. I counter her supposing with this factual event:
The same surgeon that supposedly “mistakenly killed” Courtney was scheduled to operate on Murph* on Dec 29, 2013. I went to the hospital myself and had the surgeon changed.
I have evidence of this day. I sent it to Murph’s best friend and my old bandmate to try to prove how much I cared for Murph. Mother did not know who the surgeon was. I went to the hospital to “save my brother”. No one cares then, no one cares now. My old band mate is rid of me forever.
Courtney died in April 2004, leaving behind her child. Courtney’s child is in college now. They do not have any contact with the LDS Mormon family. My spouse and I have a relationship with Courtney’s child. We have always treated Courtney’s child and their sibling as part of our family. I hope they feel Courtney’s love through us – Courtney’s real family.
Joseph* begins to distance himself from the LDS Mormon family
After Courtney died, I was broken. From 2004 to 2008 I threw myself into work. I was at the same company that Courtney and I worked at together, so her friends and memories were everywhere. It was more comforting than sad. Courtney left behind many friends and co-workers at our company. Every work location I went to, there seemed to be someone that wanted to share there Courtney story with me. She was so kind to others.
When I had my first child, I began to distance myself from my biological family. I refused to talk on the phone to my Mother about the constant birthday celebrations and holidays. My spouse dealt with her as long as she could.
The birthdays and holidays without Courtney were painful. When my second child was born, the holidays and birthdays became worse for me. My brother, Murph*, wrote about me distancing myself from the family on his public blog. I was attending events up to 2008, slowed down around 2010 and stopped going around 2015:
Ambulance rides were about $1000 in 2018
My second child is a boy. As he lived to reach the age at which Courtney and I were sexually abused, my anxieties grew and grew. I was being flooded with memories that I did not understand.
In 2018 I had a massive panic attack that I thought was a heart attack. I left a work video meeting, called 911 and we to the hospital. I thought I was dying.
The last 5 years have been bad (2020-2025). Not as bad a dying, but I don’t know what that is like. I do know that the the last 5 years have damaged my physical health, my mental health and my relationship with the world.
I feel completely empty.
Clarity: Seeing mother for who she really is when she became a COVID denier
When COVID-19 landed in early 2020, my little family followed the guidelines. We wore masks, destroyed our hands with sanitizer, and socially distanced as required and recommended. You can guess what my LDS Mormon Mother did. The conservative-christian candidate for school board, Mother, would loudly proclaim “no one is going to tell me where I can go and who I can see”. I don’t think Jesus would have ever said anything like that.
I was still communicating with Mother occasionally about the many birthday parties. 🤦♂️ My family with school-aged children were following the state-mandated guidelines, so we were excluded from the “family get-togethers”. I struggled to understand this. My parents were still having “home church” and “family get togethers” with Stefanie* and her adopted children.
My parents did not care about their non-Mormon grandchildren. It was so clear that my children were excluded from “the family”. Courtney’s* living child (then a teenager) was also excluded from “the family”. We all were no longer going to the minimum of seven birthday parties and the Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas Mormon dinner parties.
Mother, Father, Stefanie, Stefanie’s spouse and kids, Karen* and Ezra* all continue to be a family without me, my family & Courtney’s child. I live seven miles from them.
Joseph’s Shelf Breaks
This act of Mother choosing Stefanie’s kids over my children is what “broke my shelf“. Mother’s absolute defiance and anger towards me was clear. All the memories came flooding back. Every memory of her choosing Karen*, Stefanie, Murph*, Ezra* and Courtney over me. I was the outcast. I had always been the outcast. I was cast out when I went to tell my father that Mother was letting me be sexually abused.
I was entering a mental health zone I had never been in. I started have massive panic attacks and I realized what the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints did to Courtney and me. I laid on the floor of my bathroom for hours, crying tears that I had been holding since I was six years old. My childhood was worse than I ever allowed myself to believe. My parents are vile criminals?
Example of vicious behavior Mother exhibited while I was her child
Mother sent me to school without food or money. I started making my own lunch because I was hungry. When my class would have the typical American holiday parties, there would be gift exchanges. My mother refused to give me money to buy an actual present. She told me to give my toys away. I gave away my M.U.S.C.L.E. Figures in 3rd grade. My “secret Santa partner” gave them back to me. That was humbling for an untreated child abuse victim. I quickly became a pariah at school.
Mother talked about the Child Sex Abuse with me when I had my “first girlfriend” at 15. On the way home from her house next town over I remember Mother asking me a question. She asked me how far sexually we had gone. Mother wanted to know what I would say about sex during my Bishop’s Interview for Temple Worthiness. I told Mother I wasn’t going to tell her. Mother was pissed and reminded me about the events in Reading*. She stated “Joseph, you have an addictive personality, do not have sex with your girlfriend”. My current therapist became a tiny bit upset when I told her about my “addictive personality”. I learned that I do not have an “addictive personality”. I was a child sex abuse victim that was never helped.
Mother tried to indoctrinate each of her children to be racist, homophobic and many other terrible things. Mother used the n-word frequently from my first memories until we moved to Springfield*. Please read this document written by 14-year old Karen for an example of the gross indoctrination. I’ve changed her name and created a PDF to protect her identity: Karen’s Freshman High School Presidential Platform circa 2004 Why do I have this? I used to help my Mother with her computer-problems. I have a back up of their system from 2004, the year Courtney died.
Mother Ex-communicated the Seminary Teacher. We had early-morning seminary. Sometimes Mother would drive us and sit in the car. Our seminary teach was a young, female returned missionary (Sister J*). I think she served in Brazil? She was relevant to us high-school kids, she spoke our language and would allow discussion. Sister J also tolerated napping. Not everyone could make it through class from 5:30am – 6:30 am Monday – Friday during the school year. Mother walked in one day and saw Sister J’s relaxed classroom. Mother was the Seminary teacher the next week. In addition to not allowing any napping, she moved us from the comfortable Relief Society room to the cold front room that only had the metal chairs.
Mother’s cognitive dissonance. Many Mormons have some form of cognitive dissonance. That may be a reason why the LDS Mormons don’t like psychology & therapy. Voting against levies then complaining about driving us to school. Like, every day. Imagine starting your day with your Mother driving you to church, preaching for an hour in a cold room. Mother then drives you home, you have a few minutes to get ready for school. Mother then drives you school, complaining the whole time that we should have bussing. The bussing she voted against. Before I got to school I was done for the day. No wonder I had a 2.0 GPA.
Mother psychologically abused a child sex abuse victim. She taught me how to kill myself. She locked me the basement in Reading* after I watched Superman III on TV – the robot lady scared me so much I would not go in the basement, so Mother locked me down there to teach me a lesson. Also in Reading, she ripped Michael Jackson’s Thriller off the record player and broke it over her knee. Murph* and Stefanie* joke about that one. I was terrified. I could write chapters about her psychological warfare against me. One time, Courtney and I were teasing Murph that he was “mommy’s favorite”. Mother pulled me into the formal living room (see below) and said this to me:
“Joseph, until you accused me of child abuse, you were my favorite child.”
Again, I am working with a trained Trauma therapist to undo the damage Mother did to me.
My Father did not like me
Look at how my father is looking at me. He does not like me. This is 1992ish. After the first Child Protective Services (CPS) investigation, but before the suicide attempts. He hates me because Mother has told him what a ‘piece of shit Joseph* is’ for 7 years. Father just does what Mother tells him to do. Mother told him that I was a seasoned liar when I was five years old. That is why my father’s face looks like that. I’m not censoring it. No one looks the same after 30 years.
My Father was done with me after the first CPS Investigation. He began to hate me. The only time I recall he spent with me after 1990 was when I was forced to go to a speech about the Dead Sea Scrolls. This was meant to be a special father-son Mormon adventure. I guess there was a possible connection / proof that the Book of Mormon was real. I didn’t want to go, and my father didn’t want me to go. Mother needed me out of the way, so Father begrudgingly took me. We listened to an author speak about the Dead Sea Scrolls. The audience asked questions. We lined up to buy the book and get an autograph. My father really enjoyed his time learning about the Dead Sea Scrolls. I was a patient onlooker.
Example of things Mother did after I left home
Mother and Father called my then-girlfriend (future spouse) over to their home when I was not there. Father and Mother sat the girlfriend on that floral green couch in the formal living room in Springfield*. Mother told my girlfriend that I was a bad person and that she should not have a relationship with me. That girlfriend ending up marrying me despite my parents warning. We have two kids that Mother and Father are not allowed to see.
Mother stood by silently when Stefanie verbally attacked Courtney for getting pregnant in 1998. Link to full post.
Mother refused to come to my wedding, unless it was presided over by an LDS Bishop. I bent to Mother’s will and got the Bishop of our ward to perform a non-denominational ceremony. That still was not enough. Mother then refused to go unless she could make her own dress. She did not want to coordinate with the wedding party, as was the tradition at the time. My spouse bent to Mother’s will.
Mother stood by silently when Stefanie verbally attacked Courtney for getting pregnant in 2003. Link to full post.
Mother’s Siblings
In 2021 I was trying to learn more about my family’s criminal history. I worked with a middle-person to set up a phone call with my Uncle G*. He deflected most questions with “he was the baby and sheltered from all of that”.
First of all, Uncle G was not the baby of the family. The family baby is Aunt I* who refuses to speak with me. My conversation with Uncle G* was me asking questions about the past that he would not answer. He would deflect and then ask me one question repeatedly: “how are you doing financially?” For a CSA-survivor whose co-victim died I somehow make a living with my high-school 2.0 GPA. If that qualifies as financial success then put me on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous please.
My assumption is that Mother tells her Australian family that “Joseph* is doing fine, he has nothing to complain about”. That is 100% not true.
Mother always said that I was a bed-wetter because of DNA. She stated that ‘both of her brother’s wet the bed in their youth”. Uncle G did tell me that he and Uncle A did not wet the bed.
Uncle G, I am disappointed in you. I had three great days with you (one in 1989, two in 2009). I don’t have a lot of good childhood memories. But I had some good memories of you that are now tarnished. 😢🏄♂️
Continue reading: Are You Going to Sue Us?
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