The Trial: Joseph’s parents and The Mormon Church in Court

Link to the introductory warning and the cast of characters

Mother Expected Fawn, not Fight

The initial “WARNING CONCERNING THE PROTECTION ORDER” hand delivered by America’s finest said that “A FULL HEARING on this Order, and on all other issues raised by the Petition, shall be held before Judge ******* on JAN 6, 2022.” I prepared for this hearing as if it were my death sentence trial. I was in full panic mode. Cortisol anyone?

I worked with my primary care doctor and started a new medication to help manage the constant panic attacks. Have you ever had daily panic attacks for months? That happened to me after the cop showed up at my door with the unnecessary protection order. I had daily panic attacks until after the decision was delivered June 9.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints manifests a lawyer

Around January 3, 2022 I received a certified letter that the FULL HEARING was delayed. The Plaintiffs had retained legal counsel. The Court communicated with me to ask if I would hire a lawyer or represent myself.

The lawyers I talked to said to just skip the trial and allow the Church and my parents to have the protection order. “Why fight it?” they would ask. I knew that I had the truth on my side, so I decided to represent myself. I did not want to lay down for my Mother, my Father, the Dirty Cop, or The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

I asked the Nike-wearing lawyer who was paying his legal fees; “MegaChurch or my parents?”. He said “that’s attorney client privilege”. Did the Mormon’s tithing offerings fund the church’s attack on their victim?

The Mormon Lawyer

Before the initial hearing in January, he found me in the courthouse and pulled me into a side room. He wanted to confirm that I was representing myself. He told me that there was no point in going to trial. The protection order would be in place regardless. Brother Attorney was 2/5 right. That is worse than my high school GPA lmao

I told the Mormon Lawyer that I was not going to bow down for the Mormon Church. Our relationship changed at that point. He became a standard-issue American Lawyer. He had knowledge and education that I could not dream of. He was above me. All of a sudden his height was apparent to me. He was looking down his nose at me with pure contempt. Fellow ExMormons know the contemptuous glare reserved for Apostates.

We had the hearing that day. I had no idea what to expect. I was in full panic attacks that day.

The judge called us in. My spouse was not allowed to go in with me. She was not named in the complaint. The Mormon Lawyer and both of my parents were on their side. I was alone. Just like Mother left me after I was raped in 1984.

The Judge said “please consider working this out before we have a trial. In the end, all I am going to do is tell all of you to stay away from each other”.

The Mormon Lawyer and I confirmed that we would proceed with a trial. It would be in a month. More waiting. More anxiety. More panicking.

The Trial

The Mormons prepared nine exhibits for the trial. Most were Social media posts that I had made under my name or posts from anonymous-by-design sites like Reddit. The last exhibit was a criminal background check showing that Mother had never been convicted of child abuse. Yes, we know that you all successfully covered that up. The lawyer did not use many of the exhibits. We only had 3 hours.

I prepared 25 exhibits for the trial. Some evidence of abuse from various members of my family before we went No Contact. Emails from my Father. Unanswered communications to LDS Mormon Church leaders.

The first action the Mormon lawyer took was asking that all my evidence be disallowed. He said “we are not here to talk about 1984”. The judge allowed my evidence with a warning that we were to talk about the events from Plaintiff’s complaint.

The Mormon lawyer then asked that all my evidence be disallowed because I had labeled it wrong. I had realized that morning and had made a second version with the mistake corrected. I presented the second version to the judge, the Mormon Lawyer and my parents. The judge accepted the corrected exhibits with the Mormon Lawyer’s pouty agreement.

The LDS Mormons did not call any witnesses. They had no one there to witness the proceedings. I called one witness. My spouse testified on my behalf. She brought a prepared statement to read. The Mormon lawyer objected to her reading a statement. The judge sustained the motion.

I realized that I had a copy of the statement with my files. I put on my lawyer pants and asked my spouse questions that would allow her to present the information in her statement. Her statement is long, just over 1,800 words. This is the part that I believe damaged the Mormons’ case and my parents character.

“Ingrid” is used in place of my Mother’s real name, “Smith” place of our surname:

In the 25 years that I have known Joseph*, I have never felt afraid of him. I have also never seen Ingrid afraid of him. I have never had to call the police on him. I have never felt the need for a restraining order. He does not yell, hit, or use intimidating behavior with me or our children. Other than a few possible speeding tickets, he has no misconduct on his record.
Over the years, Joseph has learned how to communicate in a healthy way with me. Healthy communication does not happen in the Smith* family. I have been subjected to their inability to discuss issues in a healthy way, in which avoidance and minimizing issues is their chosen response. The ending result with any conflict that needed further discussion was that it was never spoken of again and no resolution, compromise, or closure was found.
That is Ingrid’s* pattern. I have seen it happen multiple times. The same pattern is happening again here. Because I have witnessed and experienced this pattern of behavior myself, I believe the same pattern happened with Joseph’s childhood sexual abuse.
In the 25 years that I have known Joseph, he has worked relentlessly to manage his mental health trying to find the right medication and therapists. Even through this very difficult time, a time that has taken a toll on his mental health, he continues to stay on track with his medication and therapy sessions.
In regard to his career, he has always worked tirelessly and has excelled in every position he’s held. He has a long list of awards and achievements that demonstrate his ability to be a leader and respected employee. Throughout Joseph’s life, there are countless people that have recognized Joseph’s talents and accomplishments.
Joseph has spoken with me and members of my family about his need to prove his successes to his parents. The repeated failures that he was consistently reminded of during arguments with his mother from his youth, not fulfilling obligations to their church, and not completing his college degree are among some of the “failures” that he wrestled with over the years.
It always seemed as if Ingrid wanted Joseph to fail, proving that she had been right about him. This was always an underlying perception of mine and my family’s regarding her treatment of Joseph. Ingrid’s desire to be right drives her.

Dear reader, I have an accordion file next to me as I write this. I have the pages of notes I took during the trial. Each lie that Mother, Father or the Mormon Lawyer told I would write down. Then I would ask questions and use my evidence to prove their lies. I was a messy lawyer. I asked for lots of time to review things. The Judge was kind but stern as he watched a child sex abuse survivor act as his own lawyer; defending himself from his Mother, Father and the Church he grew up in for 18 years.

Father is a lifelong coward

During court, Father testified. He told several lies. One was that Anthony*, Courtney’s adult boyfriend, was only and “acquaintance”. So, Father allowed an adult “acquaintance” to sodomize his minor daughter for years. (Mother told the same lie. Mother absolutely knew about the adult sodomizing minor Courtney.) They lied about Anthony to discredit his email to me, see below:

Sorry. 1 more point. Courtney* always stated to me to not trust your mother*. She never went into detail but that was always top of mind for her. She was always non commital with your dad.

As a younger person I never gave it too much thought but sounds like something was under the comments.

Anthony.

When the LDS Mormon Lawyer and I were done examining Father, he given a choice by the magistrate. The judge said “you are a co-plaintiff. you can sit and observe or you may leave.” My Father choose to leave instead of listening to Mother testify.

How crazy is that? Just like when I was a kid, he chose to not be involved in my life and then in 2022 he did in ON THE RECORD. If you were in court against your son and your spouse was about to testify, wouldn’t you want to stay in the room? After my spouse testified on my behalf, she asked to stay. My spouse was not a co-defendant, but merely a witness so she was forced to leave by the magistrate.

Mother is a lifelong liar

Mother lied about many things during the trial. I was able to disprove her lies during the examination of her statements. She is a bad liar. That is why Mother walks away from conversations and hangs up phones. She has always been a liar. Father’s own mom told him not to marry the liar. She was right as rain.

There was one lie that she told which was easily proved to be false. Mother stated, “I have never been investigated by Child Protective Services“.

This caught the magistrate, the LDS Mormon lawyer and me off guard. No one had asked her a question. She tried to seize the moment and whitewash history by lying on the record. The state has records that Mother was investigated in 1990 and 1994. Why did Mother volunteer a lie? I think this lie damaged the LDS Mormons’ case.

The Mormons did not get what they wanted

I have medically diagnosed PTSD. That was one of the difference makers in the court case. I have been diagnosed with PTSD from child sex abuse and major depressive disorder from the lack of treatment and family abuse. These diagnoses have been completed by various medical professionals, including a CSA-trauma councilor at a Crime & Trauma Assistance Program in our state. I was also diagnosed with PTSD at our local “big name psychiatric hospital” that is part of my Father’s prestigious health group. I had to pay out of pocket for the help, it’s not in my health group.

The medical diagnoses were damning evidence. At the end of the trial, we gave our closing statements. The Mormon Lawyer went first. When it was my turn, I held up the diagnoses of PTSD and said “I was not in the military. I did not fight overseas. I am not a firefighter. I was raped when I was a kid and no one helped me. Each of these diagnoses validates this truth.” I did OK with the closing statement considering that I was a sweaty, panicky mess for the previous three hours.

The LDS Mormon Lawyer yelled “Character assassination is traumatic too!”

Dude, Mother has no character to assassinate. She is on record in her school district for pestering the board members and trying to run for office. She falsified signatures and was called out by the County Board of Elections. Mother committed “Character Suicide” by dragging this into court and onto the records of our state and county.

The judge ruled about 4 months later. The Mormons asked to keep me away from the Ward Meetinghouse and my parents house for five years. The judge gave them two years. They don’t need any years. I’m not a danger to them other than the truth about what they did to me and Courtney.

What happens at the end of the two years?

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Mother is a Prisoner

That is all for now. There are other events that I will add to the blog at a later time. I have purposefully thought enough about the past for now. I need to catch my breath.

I am in therapy. I have a great therapist. If you suffered from childhood trauma like me, I recommend Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy, known as EMDR.

My trauma has been treatment-resistant for the years I have been working with professionals to fix my brain. EMDR seems to be working. My therapist does not make me relive shit, they help me understand and process the shit so so can put it away. If you are struggling, find a (new) therapist if you have that option. I tried many therapists before finding one that was able to help me.

My goal is to live a normal life, I think that EMDR is a piece of the normality puzzle. The trauma will always there. I have to learn to grow around it. I am doing the work. I’m not a slacker.

Prisoners of the Mormon Church?

Mother was a prisoner of the LDS Mormon Church. As a pre-teen girl, Mother was sent to an abusive Mormon boarding school in the 1960s. She would have been 12 (?) years old. She was sent away before she was 14. She was sent away. Why?

Mother put me through the same hell that she was subjected to. Literally passed the abuse a generation forward. It sucks being the generation to stop the cycle of generational abuse. You don’t get a childhood and you spend your life trying to figure out why you your parents birthed you.

Mother rode the LDS Mormon train all the way to the United States of America. She really does fit in with her kind here in America. Mother followed the Latter Day playbook and went to Brigham Young University in Provo, looking for an American sponsor.

Mother got her talons into Father. BYU is famous for matching eternal companions in record time. He proposed within six weeks of meeting her. Holy shit. Slow down dude.

Father’s sister, mother and stepfather all begged Father to not marry Mother. They knew what she was back in the early 1970s. Father had to propose to Mother three times or whatever. She loves to tell that story.

Father, how many red flags did you need? You can see those now and at least come to terms with what you did before you die. If the Mormon Church is real, you are on your way to Outer Darkness with your spouse. Enjoy the big building.

The Large and Spacious Building

Mother does not believe in the LDS Mormon church. She can’t, or she would confess and apologize today so that she can properly repent. If the LDS Mormon Church is true, she is destined for Outer Darkness without making restitution for her sins.

Abandonment of Sin. Although confession is an essential element of repentance, it is not enough. The Lord has said, “By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them”

(Doctrine and Covenants 58:43).

One cannot hide their daughter and son’s rapes and go to anywhere but Outer Darkness. That is just one of the many irredeemable sins she has committed. She has never apologized to me one time because she would have to admit fault – and open herself to litigation.

Mother may see the LDS Mormon Church as a prison. She has been its prisoner since 1966*.

My shelf breaking was a painful decade

Mother kept me as a prisoner until 2012ish. That is when I started putting the cover up together. When my first child reached the age when I experienced CSA, I began to distance myself from my biological family. This distancing is documented on my brother’s public blog, and now here on my blog.

Around this time I also started to work with a therapist for the first time. Randy*, thank you for starting my wellness journey. I also started working with my primary care physician on my mental health medication mystery hunt. We started with anti-depressants. After many primary medication changes I am losing hope that medicine will help me. 🌿

My brain broke when my second child started looking like I did in Reading*. I had a massive panic attack and was taken away by an ambulance. I hope my son does not remember that. My spouse does. She took my son upstairs while I was on the phone with 911 thinking I was dying. I saw Courtney* in the sunshine that day.

After the ambulance ride I started to work with a psychiatrist for the first time in my life. I was treated at “nationally-ranked non-profit comprehensive mental health center and psychiatric hospital that has served more than 50,000 patients”. I moved to anti-anxiety medications after hitting all the metrics for an untreated CSA victim with PTSD.

I am no longer in Mother’s prison. Stefanie*, Murph*, Ezra* and Father* are still prisoners. Murph* is obviously going to die soon. He could live a full life if he got help. Instead, he is a prisoner with an optional colostomy bag that Mother has to help him with. Murph*, 45 years old, still lives at home.

Mother’s prison is for her too. Obviously, no one wants to help their child molestation victim son with his health problems when you are 29 70 years old. Is Karen* going to take over as the nurse soon?

Mother will never admit what she did. She would have to apologize to dozens of people caught in her web. She would had to come clean to the LDS Mormon Church and potentially be excommunicated. She may go to prison. Others that helped her are legally culpable for their actions.

Mother will never admit anything.

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Living with Ghosts

DNA is crazy. My children often remind me of Courtney*, Murph* and young me. I have learned, via therapy, how to “put away a memory” and keep enjoying time with my family. These techniques take practice and do not always work. I have a lifetime of practice ahead of me.

DNA is crazy. I am slowly turning into my father. I have a hard time looking in the mirror. My voice sounds dead-on my Father’s when I get happy, excited or when I yell. I don’t yell a lot. I am working on changing my voice and controlling my speech to keep memories of my Father locked away.

If I can’t put away the memory, I see Courtney. I see little me from Reading*. I see medium me from middle school. I see high school me and Courtney at the 1990’s alt-rock shows. Courtney at my band’s first show. Courtney the addict. Courtney in recovery. Courtney the mom. It all comes so fast.

I miss my sister.

This is how I try to remember Courtney. My sister.
My co-victim.
My protector.
My teacher.
My co-worker.
My deceased niece’s mother.
My inspiration.
My angel, if all that business could be real.

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This was the end until 2024, when Murph tried to make up with me.

Continue reading: Retraumatized by my brother

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