Dear Murph*
You were protected from the truth. I lived it.
Every August, the same gravitational pull hits me. Your birthday, then Karen’s, then mine. Three dates stacked like dominoes, each one tipping me back toward a family system I spent decades trying to escape. I don’t know if you feel it. I do. My body remembers before my mind does.
This year I reached out. You wrote back. And the same pattern repeated itself — the one I’ve been studying, documenting, and living through since childhood.
So here it is, written plainly, with science behind it, and links you can read if you ever want to understand what actually happened to us.
The System We Grew Up In Has a Name
It’s called a narcissistic family system. Not a diagnosis. Not an insult. A structure.
Cleveland Clinic describes it. Psychology Today describes it. Dr. Karyl McBride describes it.
These families run on roles, not relationships:
- Golden Child – protected, favored, used for image
- Enabler – repeats the parent’s narrative, defends them
- Scapegoat – blamed, punished, isolated, disbelieved
- Lost Child – disappears emotionally, stays quiet
You can read about these roles here:
- Cleveland Clinic
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24859-narcissistic-family - Psychology Today
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/201804/the-narcissistic-family - Dr. McBride
https://www.drkarylmcbride.com/resources/narcissistic-family-roles/
This isn’t “my view.” It’s the map.
Our Family’s Map
Murph was the Golden Child / Enabler. He was protected. He was kept close. He was fed a narrative and rewarded for repeating it.
I was the Scapegoat. Courtney was the Scapegoat. Ezra was the Scapegoat. Now Stefanie’s son is becoming the Scapegoat.
That’s not a coincidence. It’s a pattern.
Murph saying he “hates him” — his nephew — is not normal. It’s learned behavior inside this system. Scapegoated kids are treated as defective, disposable, or dangerous. He didn’t invent that. He inherited it.
Why Murph Doesn’t See What I See
He wasn’t there for what happened to Courtney and me. I was.
He wasn’t there for the CPS reports. I was.
He wasn’t there for the physical abuse, the cover‑ups, the forced isolation, the suicidal years, the medical fallout. I was.
He keeps his memories of Courtney — the concerts, the photos, the good moments — but I carry the ones she tried to tell me when she was dying. I’m not speaking over her. I’m speaking for the truth she tried to get out.
Murph had a different childhood. He said that himself. He’s right.
But different doesn’t mean “more true.” It means “protected.”
Why I Blame Mother and Father
Murph told me not to “blame my problems on our parents.”
Science disagrees with him.
Childhood trauma — physical abuse, sexual abuse cover‑ups, repeated CPS involvement, psychological manipulation — causes lifelong medical and psychiatric harm. This is not an opinion. It’s documented.
CDC ACEs research: https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/index.html
My doctors see the seriousness of what I endured. They see the evidence. They see the patterns. They see the damage.
I’m not “blaming.” I’m reporting.
Stephanie, Stefanie’s Son, and the Cycle
Murph remembers the screaming. He’s just isolating it — mentally filing it away — because that’s what the Golden Child role teaches you to do.
Stefanie was beaten often. He knows that.
I hope she doesn’t repeat the pattern with Stefanie’s son. ***** County Child Services would not be happy about an adoptive child growing up in the same environment I did. That’s not speculation. That’s evidence.
The cycle continues until someone breaks it. Courtney tried. I tried. Spencer tried, then gave in to the system. Now Stefanie’s son is next in line.
Music, Boundaries, and What I Can Offer
I’m open to recording music with Murph. I always have been.
But I won’t record with an Enabler.
He can be himself. We can agree not to talk about the past while playing. We can keep it about the music.
But he has to stop defending Mother and Father.
I’m not asking him to pick sides. I’m asking him to stop protecting a system that harmed his siblings.
If he ever wants to understand what this looks like from the outside, the links above explain it better than I can.
He was protected from the truth. I lived it.
And I’m finally writing it down.
Partial song lyrics for “Seven Island Suite”, from the 1974 blockbuster album “Sundown”. Love the synths. “Sundown”, the Gordon Lightfoot album on Wikipedia
Anytime would be the right time
To come up to your bed of boughs
Anybody with a wish to wander
Could not fail but to be aroused
Livin’ high in the city
Guess you think it’s a pretty good way
You get to learn but when you get burned
You got nothin’ to say
You seem to think because you got chicken to go
You’re in luck
Fortune will not find you
In your mansion or your truck
Brothers will desert you
When you’re down and shit out of luck
Look around at the mornin’
Guess you’re doin’ the best you can
Surely you know that when you go
Nobody gives you a hand
Think of the air you’re breathin’ in
Think of the time you waste
Think of the right and wrong
And consider the frown on your face
It’s time you tried livin’ on the high side of the bay
You need a rest
Any woman or a man with a wish to fade away
Could be so blessed
Fortune will not find you
In your mansion turned to gold
Brothers will desert you
When your nights turn long and cold
Mormon Cover Up 
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